Oh, Mister Collins!
by the ketchup queen
Summary: I wrote this in English class. It's a change in point of view during Mr. Collins's proposal scene to... Mr. Collins! It's actually quite funny in its smarmy-ness. The dialogue is exactly from the book. Read and Review please!


_Please note: All dialogue that seems familiar is from the book. I do not own Pride and Prejudice (sadly). _

* * *

"Come Kitty, I want you upstairs," the dear Mrs. Bennet requested of her daughter. She was giving me the much desired audience with the fair Miss Elizabeth! At last!

And, according with the proper manners of the times, my ever-practical and conscientious Elizabeth called out, "Dear madam, do not go. I beg you will not go. Mr. Collins must excuse me. He can have nothing to say to me that anybody need not hear. I am going away myself." Ahh, sweet Miss Elizabeth. But this time, you would not wish the others to hear such an _intimate_ moment between the two of us!

Luckily, her mother hurried Kitty out the door and we were alone at last! She called entreatingly, "No, no, nonsense, Lizzy. I desire you will stay where you are… Lizzy, I _insist_ upon your staying and hearing Mr. Collins."

I turned to the gorgeous Elizabeth, whom I hoped to install at Hunsford to parade around. Surely such a wife Lady Catherine de Bourgh would be proud of! So accomplished!

"Believe me, my dear Miss Elizabeth," I spoke lovingly to her, "that your modesty, so far from doing you any disservice, rather adds to your other perfections"—like dancing and speaking and sitting and reading the Bible…and did I mention dancing and looking beautiful?—"You would have been less amiable in my eyes had there _not_ been his little unwillingness; but allow me to assure you, that I have your respected mother's permission for this address. You can hardly doubt the purport of my discourse, however your natural delicacy may lead you to dissemble; my attentions have been too marked to be mistaken. Almost as soon as I entered the house, I singled you out as the companion of my future life"—even if I had first eyed Miss Bennet, Elizabeth soon caught my eye as the woman destined to be the wife of a clergyman, perfectly respectable in that occupation—"But before I run away with my feelings on this subject, perhaps it would be advisable for me to state my reasons for marrying—and, moreover, for coming into Hertfordshire with the design of selecting a wife, as I certainly did."

I find that in times of feeling such as this, women often desire the facts without the emotion behind it. As I often practice compliments that I find ladies so desire, I had practiced, written and rewritten this speech, much like my sermons—lengthy, factual, and wholly devoid of any emotional influence. I saw Miss Elizabeth smile slightly, so knew she understood me in every aspect of my address! Oh, what a perfect match for me!

"My reasons for marrying are, first, that I think it a right thing for every clergyman in easy circumstances (like myself) to set the example of matrimony in his parish; secondly, that I am convinced it will add very greatly to my happiness; and thirdly—which perhaps I ought to have mentioned earlier, that it is the particular advice and recommendation of the very noble lady whom I have the honour of calling patroness. Twice has she condescended to give me her opinion (unasked too!) on this subject; and it was but the very Saturday night before I left Hunsford—between our pools at quadrille, while Mrs. Jenkinson was arranging Miss de Bourgh's footstool, that she said, 'Mr. Collins, you must marry. A clergyman like you must marry. Choose properly, choose a gentlewoman for _my_ sake; and for your _own_, let her be an active, useful sort of person, not brought up high, but able to make a small income go a good way.'"

I continued my pre-planned speech with all the facts, but my dear Miss Elizabeth interrupted once I had finished with "shall ever pass my lips when we are married." Clearly so overcome by emotion that she was unable to keep her lips firmly shut against such fervent and heartfelt words, she said to me, "You are too hasty, sir. You forget that I have made no answer. Let me do it without further loss of time. Accept my thanks for the compliment you are paying me. I am very sensible of the honour of your proposals, but it is impossible for me to do otherwise than decline them."

Such impossibility! Refuse me! I began to chuckle momentarily when I saw the sparkle in her eyes and the barely concealed smile on her face. She was joking! She meant only to procure my addresses a second time so that she might bask in the glory of it all! God's own perfect match made in heaven and united again on earth!

I told her as much. "I am not now to learn that it is usual with young ladies to reject the addresses of the man whom they secretly mean to accept, when he first applies for their favour; and that sometimes the refusal is repeated a second or even a third time. I am, therefore, by no means discouraged by what you have just said, and shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long." But not too long, I hope, for I can scarcely wait to show her the chimney at Rosings Park. How she will be in awe of its grandeur and size!

Miss Elizabeth continued with more refusals to my addresses, very waning in actual credence, as I could see her will failing—she could refuse me not much longer! Her one comment, which I chose to address, was that Lady Catherine would not approve of her.

In turn, I told her, "I cannot imagine that her Ladyship would at all disapprove of you." And I continued to extol her wonders of modesty, economy, and her smile.

Miss Elizabeth continued to refuse me and I started to panic. Surely, did she not see that we were perfect for each other? She must not refuse me! I could secure her family at Longbourne and introduce her to the high society at Rosings Park! So I gave her my assurances that she would persist in giving her my addresses, even when she told her my behavior puzzled her.

Always the kidder, my Miss Elizabeth and ever-conscientious of societal terms! I told her that I believed her words to be only a matter of course and that my hand could not be so objectionable to her, so that she must accept me in the end. Surely this would garner her good favour even more so! My plan succeeding at last!

But Miss Elizabeth continued to refuse, saying that I could never make her happy, etc. How preposterous! Not make her happy? Would she not be happy visiting Lady Catherine weekly, dining in one of the greatest British manors in Kent! And with such a condescending patroness as Lady Catherine who would no doubt give her much advice on the running of my household. What could be happier and more comfortable than that?

After she spoke to her parents and her father could not even persuade her, I admit I was quite put out. A new plan, however, soon hatched in my mind that perhaps I could win her back by making her believe that I was interested in someone else.

The opportunity arose when Miss Lucas arrived and invited me to dinner. Who better to make my Miss Elizabeth jealous than her bosom friend Charlotte Lucas! It seemed God was smiling down on his devoted clergyman once again!


End file.
